


The Sun and it's Stars

by KassandraScarlett



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi, No OT5, OT4, OT4 relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-04-25 12:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14378532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KassandraScarlett/pseuds/KassandraScarlett
Summary: Zayn, Liam, Niall and Harry all fall in love- not with each other, not yet- with Louis Tomlinson, who remains blissfully unaware. They take comfort in each other, rather than own up to their feelings. It's a good arrangement, until they fall for each other too and Louis finds out about their relationship. Then something happens and one of them leaves the band. How will they survive without their most quietly crucial member?





	1. I'm High (On You)

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, I don't own 1D... If I did, Zayn would never have left and this hiatus would have been over a long time ago...

  If you asked Zayn, Harry, Niall or even Liam, none of the four would be able to tell you exactly how it started. But, they all knew the why and the when. 

  It all began on their last night together before going home for a week, before meeting up again in London to finish writing their fourth album and begin recording. They’d elected to spend their last night together getting high in Zayn’s room. It was probably illegal, smoking weed in a hotel room, but Liam was so trustworthy that everyone believed his lies and Louis and Zayn were both just excellent actors.

  They were all taking up various positions, but they were all connected somehow. Niall was lying on his stomach on the bed, his head hanging over the edge. Zayn was on the floor, resting against the bed frame, Niall’s arm loosely placed on his shoulder. Opposite them, Louis was reclined on the couch, his posture reflective and quiet. Liam was leaning against his legs, his head slotted between the older boy’s knees and Harry was curled up on the floor with his head on the brunette’s lap.

  As Zayn passed the joint to Harry, Louis gently shoved Liam off, making him groan in annoyance, before standing. “I should get going, boys, think I’ll turn in for the night,” he yawned. His voice was tinged with genuine regret, as he lifted his arms above his head to stretch. 

  Like the movement had been planned, all four boys’ eyes zeroed in on the sliver of golden skin between Louis’ black jeans and white tee. Louis was the only one of them who had opted out of getting high, seeing as he had the first flight out to Doncaster early in the morning. He dropped a quick kiss to Liam’s head, nudged Harry’s side with his toe, gently caressed Zayn’s cheek and ruffled Niall’s hair. They returned the sentiment with a union of dopey smiles and stoned whispers of “Have a safe flight, Lou, love you,” in four variations, making Louis shake his head with a fond chuckle. He left the room and four pairs of eyes tracked his retreating movements. He was completely unaware of their gazes and they were unaware of each other’s, either disregarding or oblivious to the collective sigh of longing when the door swung shut. 

  They remained that way, until Liam spoke up. “Do you ever think… do you… do any of you ever look at Louis and just…?” He trailed off, a confused look on his face as he tried to control his mouth. This was why he avoided getting high, it ruined his brain-to-mouth filter. But, to everyone’s surprise, he got the answers. 

  “Want to flip him over on the bed and fuck him?” Harry finished. 

  “Get on your knees and blow him?” Niall continued. 

  Zayn added his two bits as well. “Have him push you against a wall and do whatever he wants to you?”

  Liam blushed and nodded. “Didn’t know you guys felt that way,” he mumbled. They all exchanged slightly confused glances, silently agreeing with Liam. Maybe if they’d been sober, there would have been some more discussion about this.

  “I’m gay,” Harry mused in his slow voice. “And Liam is bi. But I thought you two were straight.”

  “I know I am,” Niall shrugged. “But… well, this is Louis. He’s just…” He struggled to find a word, but he didn’t need to; they understood. There was just something about Louis Tomlinson that drew you in. One brief meeting was enough for anyone to be charmed; no one could expect these boys, who spent eighteen hours a day, every day for ten months a year, for three years and counting, with him, to resist falling in love with him. 

  And there was the heart of the matter. They were all in love with their bandmate, who had absolutely no clue.

  “How do you guys deal with it?” Zayn asked, rubbing a tired hand over his face. 

  Harry looked up at them from the floor. “Just think about kissing one of you guys, it takes my mind off him.” There was a short silence after the casually spoken words as they thought about it. 

  “Suppose, I wouldn’t mind kissing you boys,” Niall said thoughtfully, tilting his head so Zayn’s breath hit his ear, then grinned mischievously. “Reckon half the world wouldn’t mind kissing Zayn, at least.”

  Again, if they’d been sober, Zayn’s reaction would have been different; he would have laughed and rolled his eyes, twisted Niall’s bottom lip, or placed a quick peck just at the corner of his mouth. He would not have reached out to turn Niall by his chin and kissed him. 

  But, he wasn’t sober and he did just that. Niall wasn’t expecting it, but he kissed back readily, not surprised at the fullness of Zayn’s lips, but rather at the fact that he really didn’t mind this. In fact, he didn’t want to stop kissing Zayn at all. He brought his own hands up to cup the dark boy’s jaw, his guitar-calloused fingers grazing the stubble. 

  A silent whimper alerted them to the nearby scene: Harry and Liam were both on their feet, locked in a fierce snog, Harry clutching at Liam’s waist, Liam digging his fingers in Harry’s curls. It shouldn’t have been so hot: watching two of your best mates making out, but it was enough to make him hard and Niall wondered if that was supposed to be a little worrying.

  And then, Zayn was grabbing him again, using him as leverage to hoist himself up on the bed, mouthing at his neck, just as Harry began tugging Liam in the same direction. They fell onto the mattress at the same time, and suddenly Harry’s lips were replaced by someone else. Liam opened his eyes to see Zayn kissing him, the taste and feel of it completely different, yet at the same time so familiar. He didn't hesitate either, his tongue slipping into Liam’s mouth, tasting strongly of smoke and weed. 

  Somewhere in the back of his head, Harry wondered if this was right, trying to get each other off, because they were stoned and pining for the same person. But as Niall sucked a mark onto his neck and he heard Zayn’s whimper, presumably from Liam’s fingers tugging at his sweats, he decided he really didn’t care.


	2. I Fell (And You Caught Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all flashbacks from each of them, detailing how and when they fell in love with Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been typing this on my phone, so there might be some spelling errors, thanks to autocorrect. I've corrected as much as possible, but I'm sorry if I missed any.

Harry couldn’t remember exactly when he fell in love with Louis, but he knew when he realized it.

**-Flashback-**

_Harry couldn’t understand. He’d sat through the entire premiere, the press interviews before and after it, he’d done all the promo conferences. He’d thought he was okay with it all. So why was he freaking out now?_

_Because this was their movie. Harry knew how to play a crowd, how to keep the audience interested, he knew they loved him, knew they loved them and their music. But this was different. This was a whole movie, about them._

_And when did all this get so big? Harry had always had big dreams, but even so, he’d never expected something on this scale. He’d just gotten used to the idea of playing sold out stadium shows and platinum albums, he wasn’t sure he wanted to get used to this. Because, damn it all, if this turned south, if it all turned out to be some kind of a dream, Harry didn’t think he could take it. The very thought of it was making him choke._

_Abruptly, he got up to leave the hotel room, taking care not to disturb Liam. He had to walk, had to go somewhere else where he wouldn’t drive himself crazy. He’d just crossed the room Zayn and Niall were sharing when he realized Louis would probably still be awake, taking advantage of the single room to talk to his mom and sisters. Tentatively, he knocked on the door, trying to keep his fingers, his whole body, really, from shaking._

_In seconds, the door opened to reveal Louis, his hair mussed and soft, his blue eyes wide. He could only imagine what he looked like: hair wild from pulling it, eyes red and tired, trembling lips. Louis was on the phone and Harry was prepared to just wait until he was done._

_But Louis peered closely at him, then frowned and ushered him in, saying, “Mom, sorry, but I gotta go, Harry needs me… Of course, I will… You too, mum, love you… Give the girls a kiss from me… Bye, mum.”_

_Then, tossing the phone on the couch, he turned to Harry and simply held out his arms. Harry collapsed on him, nearly sending them both tumbling. Louis managed to balance them both and led them to the bed, not letting go of Harry._

_“Shh, love, what’s wrong, tell me?” Louis asked in whispers, rubbing circles into his shoulder blades. “We have a movie,” Harry replied, a strangled sob escaping him. “Tell me I didn’t just dream that up, Lou. It was real, wasn’t it? This is all real.”_

_Louis didn’t answer for a long time, just kept massaging his spine with his thumb, calming him. It was difficult for Louis to tuck Harry in like he used to during X-Factor, because Harry and the others had shot up in height in two and a half years, something that they all loved to tease Louis about. But they managed it now. It was only a little uncomfortable, and Harry would rather be damned than move from his place now._

_Louis kept his arms around him, his restless energy channeled into comforting Harry, who had long ago decided that cuddling Louis was his favorite place to be. He could feel that same sense of peace now, his sobbing hiccups subsiding. And when Louis pressed his lips to Harry’s forehead and finally whispered, “This isn’t a dream, I promise,” all Harry could think was ‘I love you’ before finally succumbing to exhaustion._

**-End of Flashback-**

  Niall had a similar moment, but he had always had a bit of a crush on the older boy.

**-Flashback-**

_He sat there stock still, glad he'd gotten the single room this time, still trying to get his head around the mic failure on stage; right before his solo. Thank God, Liam had been close by and lent him his mic._

_But something was bothering Niall: was it really an equipment failure?_

_“No, it wasn’t.”_

_He turned around in surprise to see the eldest member of the band standing at the door with a hard, cold look on his handsome face, his quiff in a disarray. “Didn’t realize I was speaking out loud,” Niall muttered, a little embarrassed at how his voice was shaking. “How’d you get in?”_

_Louis held up the key card. “Asked Paul for the extras to all the rooms.” And oh, yeah, Niall should have known; Louis always made sure to get the spare keys to the other boys’ rooms, whenever they stayed in hotels._

_Louis walked further in and joined Niall on the bed. Niall hesitated before asking, “You think they did it on purpose?”_

_Louis’ face, if possible, grew even stonier, like he was trying to keep himself from exploding. “I’m sure they did,” he answered._

_Niall tried, he really did. But, hearing his suspicions confirmed by Louis, suddenly brought every insecurity he’d ever had to the front and a heaving sob escaped, breaking the dam as he began to cry in earnest._

_The change in Louis’ face was instantaneous; the rage melting away into concern, as he wrapped both arms around Niall and brought him close to his chest. Technically, Niall should have been embarrassed that he was crying in front of someone he fancied. But this was Louis, one of his best mates, someone he knew he could rely on for anything._

_So, he let the tears fall, let Louis rub his back soothingly._

_“Why would they do that?” Niall demanded, through his tears._

_“Because they’re a bunch of losers and they don’t think you're good enough to sing on stage as you do in the studio,” Louis answered, his Doncaster accent coming out strongly in his harshness._

_Niall stilled. “Is that true, though?” He whispered._

_Immediately, Louis pulled back to look him properly. “Don’t you ever believe that!” He growled and Niall watched in fascination as his pupils contracted to pinpricks of black, his steel blue eyes almost grey in anger. “You’re a fantastic singer and you will prove that to them.”_

_Niall wondered if Louis had ever noticed that he was given even fewer solos than Niall; he must have, sharp as he was. Yet, he never complained, unless he fought about it in those meetings with management that he only ever let Liam attend. But he certainly never let any of the boys comfort him about it, even though they had all tried._

_Something in Niall’s chest grew warm as he realized that Louis would give up a lot for him and the others, but never let them fight for him, and he abruptly snuggled into the older boy’s neck, even as he silently rued his stubbornness. It didn’t take him too long, as he fell asleep to Louis’ slow humming, to put a name to the warmth he felt._

**-End of Flashback-**

  Liam had had the hardest time accepting it. He’d hated how he couldn’t seem to get Louis to stop acting up during rehearsals with Savan, how he kept the other boys laughing and giggling constantly.

  And he’d hated how Louis made him _feel_. Everytime, he got into his space, pinched his nipple, ruffled his hair or placed sloppy kisses and bites on his neck, he would flush a dark red and stutter. He’d hated how he couldn’t breathe whenever the older boy got near, with his dainty figure and floppy hair, his metallic blue eyes and sharp smile, with a sharp tongue to match.

  And when he finally realized that Louis’ dislike was shown in silence, that his bites were meant to cajole, not hurt, when he learned the friendship behind those actions, he’d hated that he wanted more than that, so much more.

  He’d fought his growing attraction as long as he could, not willing to take the risk of breaking their newly formed friendship. So, he’d survived the whole of X-Factor being stubborn and ignoring his own feelings.

  Until, halfway through the recording of their first album, when a small, insignificant moment occurred.

**-Flashback-**

_Liam sat silently at the piano, trying to get the bridge right. He couldn’t remember the name of the piece he was playing, though it was probably important, but he kept running over the same keys, trying to keep his frustration at bay._

_He stopped playing for a moment and closed his eyes, listening to the sounds coming from the others. They were in the front studio, recording Zayn’s lines for their next song. He’d snuck away for a quick break and found the baby grand piano in the back room and begun to play._ _Keeping his eyes shut, he sighed in defeat._

_“Need some help, mate?”_

_Liam startled and turned around to see Louis standing a few feet behind him. Liam tried desperately to ignore the way he could feel his pulse thrum faster against his neck as he looked at him. Louis looked good. He always had, but now he permanently wore his hair in that artfully messy quiff Lou had given him for their One Thing music video and it made his cheekbones stand out._

_“Can you help?” Liam wondered aloud, anything to keep his thoughts from straying. ‘_ He’s your band mate; he’s off-limits _,’ he told himself sternly as Louis let out a little laugh._

_“I think I can, yeah,” he answered, which was a lie, because all the boys knew how truly talented Louis was with the keys._

_But he didn’t say anything; instead, he turned back around to face the piano as Louis approached him. But instead of asking Liam to scoot over, Louis stood behind him and brought his arms around Liam to guide his hands down the black and white keys. “Press down with the left, and keep it steady while the right hand plays,” he ordered and it was all Liam could do to not shiver at the closeness, the warmth of Louis’ small hands on top of his larger ones._

_He did as Louis asked, though, and after a few minutes, he felt a little relaxed. Until he made the mistake of tilting his head back to look at Louis._

_His face was a lot closer than he’d expected. His long lashes cast a pale shadow on his cheeks, further accentuating his high cheekbones. Liam could count the near-invisible freckles at the base of his chin. He was suddenly hyper aware of Louis’ chest pressed to his back, could feel the steady beat of his heart through the thin T-shirt, his arms muscles pressed and flexing against his own as Louis’ fingers moved smoothly across the piano. Louis was smiling, still talking, not even aware of Liam’s inner turmoil, his high raspy voice a music of it’s own._

_Liam kept staring at him, his golden skin, his blue eyes, his thin lips and suddenly thought: ‘_ Fuck it all. I’m in love with this boy _.’ And he stopped fighting._

**-End of Flashback-**

  Zayn had been the most accepting. He remembered how his breath had caught just a little in his throat when he’d seen Louis for the first time.

**-Flashback-**

_He just stood and watched as the beautiful boy made some joke, his hands moving around animatedly as he told some story. Zayn had never seen anyone that captivating before and if he weren’t so shy, he’d have gone to talk to him, to ask him his name._

**-End of flashback-**

  Then they’d been put together in a band and just the next morning, Zayn arrived late to their first meeting to find out that Louis had stood up for him, in spite of not even knowing him, and he’d been in awe of that.

  An awe that only grew over the week they spent together at Harry’s stepdad’s bungalow.

**-Flashback-**

_“Just close your eyes and jump, Zayn,” he said and Zayn stared back at Louis beseechingly, as he waited patiently for him in the pool._

_“Lou,” he tried to protest, but Louis shook his head._

_“I didn’t wake you up in the middle of the night for you to chicken out,” he scolded. “Jump. I’m not going to let you drown.”_

_Zayn closed his eyes tight and, with the image of Louis’ stern face imprinted in his brain, he jumped, hoping the other boys wouldn’t hear the splash of water and wake up._

_The water seemed to grow and explode around him, enveloping him, trapping him. He opened his mouth to scream, shutting it again when he felt the slight sting of chlorine. Then, suddenly everything calmed. He could breathe again, and he did so eargerly, coughing and sniffling a bit._

_A moment later, he became aware of hands gripping his biceps and someone’s gaze on him. Opening his eyes, he saw Louis staring at him with one eyebrow cocked, the water lapping at his smooth chest._

_“Well, that wasn’t so bad now, was it?” He teased and Zayn growled a little._

_“I’m never doing that again,” he promised._

_Louis laughed, a bright sound, soft in consideration of their sleeping bandmates inside the house, and Zayn just stared. Louis’ head was thrown back, his shoulders shaking. His blue eyes looked like molten silver in the moonlight, which made his skin glow and, oh, Zayn wanted to touch. His fingers itched with a need, torn between running them over Louis’ shoulders, collar bones, face and grabbing a pencil to draw him out. He opted to keep them still at his sides, under the surface of the water so Louis wouldn’t notice them shaking._

_“You will if I tell you to,” the older boy challenged and Zayn realized that he probably would. He’d do whatever Louis asked of him. Louis’ eyes softened. “You can trust me with this, Z. I’d never let you drown.”_

**-End of Flashback-**

  There has been no looking back after that incident. Throughout their time at the X-FACTOR, Zayn found himself gravitating towards Louis, who had declared him his partner in crime, slowly falling in love with that bright smile and snarky attitude. The two got up to all sorts of pranks, _(mainly Louis’ ideas, Zayn just tagged along for the ride)_ and Zayn found himself getting into more trouble over the course of ten weeks than he had his whole life. And he was loving it.

  He never bothered to hide his feelings, though he never outright said anything, either. He just didn’t try to stop himself from gazing adoringly at Louis whenever he spoke, from curling his fingers gently around his neck to speak into his ear, or just touching him every chance he got.

  Even when Louis directed the fan question to him, “What is the one thing you cannot live without? Zayn?” He hadn’t hesitated before answering, “You.” The crowd had cooed and screamed at that, and all the boys had seen it as a serious sort of joke _(of course, Zayn couldn’t live without Louis, none of the boys could live without each other, Zayn just always picked Louis for everything)_. But Zayn had ignored it all because he knew the depth of the meaning behind his answer and also because Louis had just pulled him into a tight hug and Zayn was too busy breathing in the sweaty, salty and homely scent that lay beneath whatever cologne he’d used, to pay attention to the rest of the world.


	3. Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is concerned about his bandmates, while the other four come to a decision.

  There was a tense silence in the room as four boys waited for their fifth member to arrive. Niall had been there first, going a bright red and stumbling back into his room when Liam had entered the next day. Zayn and Harry had arrived a few hours apart and had the same reaction: blushing and stammering before locking themselves in. Liam suspected they would all still be there if Louis hadn't been arriving with Julian in tow so they could record.

  For the first time since they'd bought it, Liam wondered if it was a good idea to have one separate house in London for all five of them, with a studio built in the basement, where they could write and record easily. It made it more convenient so they wouldn't have to drive anywhere, but it made it impossible for them to have any space from each other, something which Liam had never thought they would want or need.

  Finally, the silence broke with Niall clearing his throat. “Lads, shouldn't we talk about this?”

  “About what?” Liam shot back.

  “About what happened…?” Niall trailed off as he caught Zayn biting his lips and was hit by the memory of those teeth at his neck, just two weeks ago. He flushed and looked down.

  Thankfully, Harry came to his rescue. “Niall's right,” he said and Liam scoffed. “We need to talk about this.”

  “There's nothing to talk about, Harold,” Liam groaned, but Niall could hear the underlying tone of uncertainty.

  See, Niall knew what he wanted: blue eyes and sharp smile, soft curves and hard edges. But, something was stopping him, all of them, from even trying to get it. And now, he'd had a taste of what the other boys felt like. Call him greedy, but he wasn't giving this up. Especially when he knew they wanted it too. Liam and Zayn just didn't know how to deal with it.

  “Liam,” he said softly and all three pairs of eyes settled on him. “You want this too.”

  The effect was immediate: Zayn blushed a dark red and Liam’s face tightened. Then, he sighed. “Fine, we'll talk about it,” he conceded. “Just not now. Lou’s gonna be…”

  “Welcome me back boys!”

  All four of them started at the loud words, accompanied by the banging of the door. In the midst of their conversation, they had failed to hear the sound of the car. Louis was talking at a mile a minute, sitting next to Niall with his legs propped up on the coffee table, his eyes squeezed shut. "Derek is a good sport, the kids like him quite a bit…”

  Zayn and Harry exchanged glances. Louis always got like this just after seeing his family; trying to push everything to the back of his head and over compensating. They all had moments like this and they all needed different ways to be dealt with. Zayn needed quiet company, Harry and Niall needed to physically work it off, Liam and Louis needed touches.

  “She's actually dating, now, if you'll believe it, some boy in her class. Pity I didn't get to meet him…” He trailed off as Niall placed a cautious hand in his hair and Harry piped up.

  “Gemma's got a boyfriend, too,” Harry piped up and Louis smiled fondly at him.

  “I'm just hoping my sisters don’t start for another few years,” Zayn grumbled and Liam laughed.

  “Niall's the lucky one; he doesn't have to worry about things like that.”

Niall grinned cheekily and Louis gave a sigh of content.

  “I really hope you got some writing done over the break, Payno,” he drawled, his eyes closed again. “'Cause I didn't get anything done. Expect for this one song; Z, I want you to look over the bridge of that one for me, yeah?”

  Zayn nodded and Liam smiled sheepishly. “No, I didn't write anything, either, Lou.”

  Louis opened a single eye to glare at Liam. “How are we going to so anything around here, if you start slacking off me with me, Li?”

  “Blame yourself,” Liam retorted. “You're the one who corrupted me and turned me into you.”

  “This isn't what I'd meant,” Louis cried, dramatically throwing an arm over his eyes. “You have to be a little responsible, is that too much to ask?”

  They all laughed at that, but as Louis spoke again, “I spoke with Julian on the way, we start work tomorrow,” Niall couldn't help but wonder, ' _Is_ _it too much to ask for all the boys_?’

 

* * *

 

 

  Louis had always been highly attuned to his boys’ moods. Maybe he'd picked up some of his mother's natural intuition, maybe he developed it himself from single-handedly looking after four sisters when his mom was between jobs. Whatever the case, he could tell something was off as soon as he walked into the room with his bags in hand.

  He'd wanted to ask about it, but restrained himself. They all had their occasional spats and they were all adults _(more or less)_ and he didn't need to hold their hands through everything. Never mind that's exactly what he wanted to do; the boys would kill him if he coddled them too much. So instead he'd launched into a tirade, inviting them to talk about the break, and the tension had broken.

  But now, as they sat together in the studio, he could feel that little tingling of something gone seriously wrong. Usually when they worked in writing, they split into groups of two and three. Most of the time, it was Liam and Louis. They had an amazing dynamic when working together, music or business; sometimes throwing words around and bouncing off of each other, other times ending up at each other's throats. It was amazing to watch and that's exactly what the other three would do, wide-eyed at the chemistry.

  There were times when it was Louis and Niall together with guitars, Harry sitting nearby with a notebook, while Liam and Zayn worked in their own. Those days were comparatively quiet.

  Today, it was Louis on the piano, Liam and Zayn on either side of him. Under normal circumstances, this meant Harry and Niall would be giggling and acting the fools, as the three of them continuously shot them exasperated looks.

  But today, Louis found himself straining to catch the telltale sniggers, but all he heard was silence. He looked up discreetly from under his lashes; they were sitting closely huddled, blond spikes and brunette locks clashing, whispering intensely. Returning his eyes to the keyboard, he realized that Liam and Zayn seemed to be avoiding each other as well.

  There was that feeling again: _something was wrong._

  For a split second, Louis was struck with the sudden fear that it was his fault. He'd done something wrong and the boys didn't want to make a scene so they were keeping quiet.

  Then he rejected the idea. Louis had come a long way from his lack of self-esteem issues, though he still had some moments when insecurity took over him. Besides, the boys would tell him if he was in the wrong. He gave himself a little shake.

  “Alright?”

  Louis started at the question and glanced up to see Liam staring at him, something like concern shadowing his features. “I'm fine,” Louis answered, realizing he must have literally physically shaken himself. He looked down at his hands still in the keys, then around the room. It was just the two of them in the studio.

  “Where'd the others go?”

  Liam blushed… wait, _blushed_? Louis peered at him suspiciously, waiting for an answer.

  “Niall and Harry skipped off to their bedrooms,” he muttered. “Zayn went up to the terrace to smoke.”

  Louis didn't say anything for a few moments, his blue eyes sharp and probing as they searched Liam's face. Finally, he sighed and got up, grabbing Liam's hand and dragging him to the small sofa. He pushed Liam down on it, ignoring his protests, and stretched out beside him, resting his head on his lap. All the while, he told himself he'd imagined the way Liam had stiffened at his touch.

  “Alright,” he started, sounding mockingly dreary. “What’s wrong?”

  Liam frowned and averted his eyes. “What d’you mean?” He mumbled.

  Louis frowned. “Something happened,” he insisted. “All four of you know what is it and I don't. Tell me what's wrong.” Liam still didn't answer and he sighed after a couple moments of silence. “Alright, don't spill,” he relented. “But promise you'll work it out with Zayn, yeah?”

  Liam finally met his eyes with a nod. “'Course, I'll talk to him,” he promised. Louis smiled at the earnestness in his voice and reached up to bop his nose.

  But, Liam jerked away from his touch, his eyes suddenly panicked.

  “Li?” Louis’ stomach twisted at the look on Liam's face as he ushered him from his lap and stood up. It was a look he hadn't seen since the X-Factor, when they had been at each other's throats all the time.

  “I should probably see about Zayn,” Liam told him, his voice cracking a bit.

  Louis nodded in understanding, trying to mask his hurt. “Sure, yeah, go.” He watched as Liam all but ran upstairs and sighed, wondering who he should tackle next: Niall or Harry?


	4. New Starts (And Lies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys come to a decision.

  Harry was worried, even as he tried to distract himself by practicing the chords Niall had set him. Liam and Zayn had said they would talk, but chances of them actually agreeing to continue what they'd started were low. He and Niall had to come up with a way to convince them.

  "Something wrong?"

  Harry looked up in surprise to see Louis leaning against his doorframe, watching him intently.

  "No," he replied, hoping he wasn't blushing. Harry couldn't lie to save his life. It was alright for the cameras, but he'd never been able to lie to his parents or the boys. Louis and Zayn were especially good at weeding out the untruths. "Why do you ask?"

  Louis shrugged in answer and walked in to join him on the bed, absentmindedly correcting Harry's fingers on the strings.

  "Liam and Zayn aren't talking to each other," he said. "You and the Irish look like you're scheming and I'm not a part of it and I don't like that."

  Harry knew that tone of voice all too well. Louis was trying to maintain noncholance, but he was genuinely worried. Harry gently set his guitar down and brushed his long hair back, trying to mentally prepare himself.

  "I don't know what's up with Liam and Zayn." That was true; Harry hadn't known they were ignoring each other as well. "But they'll work it out. There can't be anything seriously wrong."

  Louis didn't answer, just stared back at him, biting his bottom lip. So Harry had to deal with the nervousness settling in and the ordeal of keeping his eyes locked with Louis', _not_ on his mouth. He could feel the irrational panic rising in him: 'He knows, he must have found out somehow.'

  "Alright," Louis finally retreated. "Fine, but you'll tell me if anything goes seriously wrong." He phrased it like a simple request, but Harry could hear the underlying doubt all too well. Louis was actually worried that they wouldn't tell him. And damn it if that didn't make Harry feel worse because he knew they wouldn't. They would _never_ tell Louis. They _couldn't._

 

* * *

 

 

  Niall's head shot up in surprise as the door to his bedroom for open to reveal Harry. "What the hell, Haz?" He asked. It wasn't an odd occurrence for them to barge into each others rooms, but it was the look on Harry's face that rattled him. The youngest member of the band looked worried, gnawing at his bottom lips and fidgeting.

  Niall didn't wait for an answer, just held out an arm in invitation. Harry accepted it, coming over to join him near the window, snuggling up to the blond.

  "Louis' worried," he muttered and Niall flinched.

  "That's not good."

  Harry hummed in agreement. "He came to talk to me, asked me to tell him if something serious is going on. I don't like lying to him, Ni." The last words came out in a whine and Niall sighed.

  "I know, I hate it too."

  "And did you know Zayn and Li aren't speaking either?"

That made Niall frown deeper. "Those two need to get their heads out of their arses and admit to themselves that whatever happened that night wasn't wrong," he grumbled. Harry hummed and a comfortable silence settled over them. They stayed like that for a while, Harry scrunched over to fit his tall frame into Niall's arms.

  After a while, Harry spoke hesitantly. "You said what happened wasn't wrong... But does that really mean it was right?" Niall raised an eyebrow, not following. "I mean, it wasn't wrong because we're all so much more than just best mates," he explained. "So we'd never hurt each other, but it only happened because we were high and miserable."

  Niall nodded slowly. "I see what you mean," he assured. "But, honestly, we're not saints. And it's not like we're just using each other, because we're in love with someone else. Be honest with me, Haz, is it..." He hesitated for a second, but if anyone could understand him, it was this boy. "Is it so hard to imagine falling for all of the boys together?"

  Harry didn't answer at first and Niall ignored the tightening in his chest. But he shook his curly head and said, "I guess no, not really." He looked up at Niall, a bright vivacious grin tugging at his lips, and Niall got tunnel vision. Their faces were already close together and there was a familiar heat in his lower stomach. Slowly, giving the younger lad a chance to back out, he leaned forward, wanting to close the gap. There was a millimetre of distance between them... Then Harry jerked back.

  Immediately, Niall copied the movement. "I'm sorry," he cringed. "But I thought you... And you just said..."

  "I know, Ni," Harry assured. "I just don't think we ought to start anything without getting the other guys on board."

  "Alright," Niall grumbled, though he was relieved Harry wasn't actually rejecting him.

  "We'll convince them," Harry promised. "And then we can snog as much as you like."

  "I'll hold you to that." They laughed and Harry pulled Niall up with him.

 

* * *

 

 

  Zayn watched the smoke curl away from him and tried in vain to push away the images in his head: Harry's green eyes dark with want, his lips red from kissing; Niall's mouth teasing at his nipples; Liam moaning and writhing under him as he sucked a bruise onto his neck. And the last one: Louis at the piano, his eyes closed and brow furrowed as his fingers danced over the keys, playing the melody they'd just worked out.

  Zayn huffed in annoyance as he took in another breath. It was the reality of that image that he'd come up here to escape. He'd left Liam there, but he'd always had a higher tolerance of Louis. So did he, usually. But right now, he wanted nothing more than to be away from it all.

  The sound of the balcony door sliding open made him turn. "Li?" He frowned in concern.

  Liam's hands were gripping the door frame, his knuckles white. To anyone else, he would have looked fine, but Zayn had known him long enough to spot the madness in his eyes. "You okay, babe?"

  No answer. Before Zayn could ask anything more, Liam suddenly marched forward and, grabbing him around the neck, crashed their lips together.

  A _(manly)_ squeal escaped Zayn and the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette fisted around Liam's shirt, as Liam licked into his mouth.

  "Sorry, sorry," Liam choked out, as he pulled away just an inch. "He was just right there, in my lap and I... I couldn't..." He shook his head and pulled Zayn in again, slower this time, but still rough and demanding. Zayn let him, understanding.

  Louis was naturally handsy and all over them. They'd gotten used to it, had come to expect it, even behaved the same way with each other. But after what happened between the four of them, they were all super-sensitive and having Louis that close certainly wouldn't help. And Liam was only human too, so Zayn felt guilty for leaving him alone in the studio.

  He pulled him closer, trying to make up for it. Liam's two-day stubble rubbed against his and he fought back a whimper. They kissed like that; desperately; for another minute until: "Nice to see our work done."

  The Irish twang broke them apart. Niall and Harry were standing at the sliding glass, the former with a dry glare, while Harry was beaming at them. "Nialler, I'm..." Liam started, then stopped. What could he say anyway?

  Luckily, Niall grinned too. "S'fine, Li! Hazza and I were just coming up to convince you. But you're convinced. So..."

  He looked at Liam and Zayn expectantly. Zayn sighed. "Alright, you're right, you were right," he conceded.

  Liam turned to him in shock, but Zayn didn't let him speak. "Don't argue, Li," he scolded gently. "You just came and made out with me, because you couldn't handle Louis getting too close to you. This is the only way to cope. We _need_  this." For a brief moment, they all thought Liam would argue. He was, after all, Daddy Direction. Even if the fans had ceased to call him that juvenile name, even though Liam had loosened up since UAN, it still held true; he was still the one who made sure they wouldn't be harmed.

  "Alright," he said quietly.

  "Alright?" Harry repeated, blinking.

  Niall had a slightly gobsmacked expression.

  Liam gave a small, but bright grin. "Alright," he confirmed. "But, the slightest sign of any of this going wrong, and we'll stop, yeah?"

  Before Harry and Zayn could finish mumbling their agreement, Niall suddenly rushed forward and grabbed Liam in a fierce kiss. Liam staggered slightly, but his strong frame balanced itself and he kissed back.

  Zayn didn't bother hiding his grin and turned to Harry, who was already watching him. He sauntered forward, deliberately swaying his hips and Zayn swallowed. He'd watched Harry pull girls before and it never ceased to amaze him how all of Harry's clumsiness fell away when he was being seductive. So, he knew he stood no chance of resisting _(not that he wanted to)_ when Harry placed his large hands on his hips and drew him forward. "Hey, love," he whispered, cheekily. Zayn rolled his eyes, trying to maintain some façade of dignity.

  Harry only laughed lightly, before pulling Zayn closer into a sweet, languid kiss.


	5. The Pain In My Chest (Hard To Believe It's Your Fault)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis notices things and calls for support.

  Things changed after that. All four boys found themselves making excuses to be together, trying to hide from Louis. It had been a silent but unanimous decision that they wouldn't breathe a word of this to him. It made it difficult for all four of them to spend a night together, for the certain fear that Louis would get to know.

  So, they paired off every night, sneaking into each other's rooms. They didn't follow a schedule, just went with whoever they felt closer to at the moment. It was an odd system, difficult to keep secret, covering up the marks they left on each other's body, but they made it work.

 

* * *

 

  Louis wasn't oblivious. He wasn't blind. He most certainly wasn't a fool, even if he acted it.

  He knew Perrie wasn't in town and in any case, she and Zayn weren't actually together, seeing as Perrie was in a happy and committed relationship with a high school sweetheart. Of course, Management couldn't have her dating a ' _normal_ ' guy who wasn't in the public eye. So, Zayn was, in a way, her beard. As far as Louis knew, which was pretty far, the two had never hooked up, never gone further than a kiss for the cameras.

  Liam's girlfriend has broken up with him in the middle of their WWA tour, unable to handle the stress. The relationship had been so short-lived that the fans didn't even know about it, and had left Liam a bit disoriented. After all, he went into every relationship all set for the long run.

  Niall and Harry had both been single, nothing but casual hookups.

  None of them had left the house for anything more than groceries, which they preferred to do themselves, and Louis was sure he would have known if any of them had snuck out at night to meet someone.

  So, why did Niall have a dark bruise on the side of his neck, mostly hidden by the collar of his T-shirt, just the edge of it visible against his pale skin? Why did Zayn's smooth voice sound so hoarse, when it had been fine the day before? And why were Liam and Harry both walking awkwardly, like every step hurt?

  Louis had come to the startling conclusion a few days ago and he still wasn't sure what bothered him more: that his four best friends were all having sex with each other; that they had hooked up without him; or that they hadn't told him yet and seemed to be making an active effort to hide it from him? Which part of all that had caused a heavy weight to settle in his stomach?

  He discreetly watched Liam, Harry and Niall work on a song. Liam had his hands on the piano, Niall had his guitar and Harry was twirling a pencil.

  The five of them were always ridiculously close, with no sense of personal space, something that Louis took credit for. But, now the four of them were closer than ever. It was obvious; something had changed between them and Louis wasn't sure he liked it. Even worse, as he watched Liam casually brush a hand against Niall's neck, right over the bite mark, he realized they weren't even aware of the change.

  ' _It's just sex_ ,' he tried to tell himself, trying not to feel hurt. He looked over at Zayn, who was beside him, mulling over the song they were working on together. He really didn't know Louis very well if he thought the Doncaster lad was ignorant of his recurring glances in the others' direction. Really, the hearts in their eyes were so obvious, it was a wonder they...

  Louis froze, the pencil dropping from his hand, the stone in his stomach rising up to his chest. He should have seen it before, should have realized it. Why hadn't he? And why wasn't he with them?

  "Lou? You okay?"

  Louis blinked, schooling his face before answering Zayn, who was staring at him with a concerned frown. "Just realized I forgot to ring mum," he lied smoothly. "She'd texted me to give her a call."

  Zayn grinned at him, his face clear of any doubt or suspicion. Well, Louis hadn't been the prodigy of his school's drama club for nothing. "Jay's gonna skin you alive, mate," the Bradford boy joked and Louis forced a laugh in return.

  "Let's hope I survive."

  He nearly ran upstairs to his room and closed the door behind him, breathing hard. "Calm down, calm down, calm down," he rapidly muttered. He jumped when his phone rang. Oh _God_ , he hoped it wasn't actually his mother. She would know something was wrong and he couldn't bear the thought of telling her about this.

  He released a breath when he saw the caller ID; it was Eleanor. Perfect timing. "El."

  "Hey, Lou, guess what?"

  "Yeah, what?" He tried to hide the break in his voice. No such luck.

  "Louis, is everything alright?" Eleanor had caught on to something wrong.

  "I..." Louis tried to speak, but the burning hurt wasn't letting him. ' _This is Eleanor_ ,' he told himself. Eleanor was the one person who knew everything about him, all his darkest secrets, more so than his boys, more than his mother, even. He could tell her her about this.

  "Lou, you're worrying me."

  "They're having sex and they're in love!" He blurted out.

  "What?" She sounded confused.

  Louis took a deep breath. "They are having sex," he repeated slowly, the words stinging his tongue. "And they are in love with each other. All four of them." There was a short silence as she absorbed the statement. There was no need to ask who he was talking about.

  Finally, she asked, "Are you sure they're not all just hooking up with random girls?" There was a calm to her tone and Louis forced himself to focus on that.

  "I'm sure."

  "And you're sure they're not just fooling around, but actually in love?"

  "I'm sure," he said again.

  "Okay."

  Eleanor didn't ask him to explain how he knew, or why he was so sure. She believed him and he loved her for that. Why, why, _why_ couldn't he have fallen for her instead? She was perfect, basically a female version of him, and in another life, he was sure they would have been amazing together. But in this one, Louis' heart had already been stolen before he met her.

  "I've got break coming up the day after tomorrow," Eleanor finally said. "That's why I called. I thought we could meet up; it's been ages and I think you need someone with you right now. I don't want you to be alone with them. I'll come up and then you can fill me in on the rest."

  Louis let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Let me ask Management," he replied, his voice soft with gratitude. "Just to make sure they don't have anything scheduled for me."

  "You do that, love," she agreed, though he could hear the eye-roll in her words. "I'll be coming anyways."

  He found himself laughing at her words, before ending the call and typing out a message to Andrew, their Modest! contact.

  ' _Eleanor's got break soon. Says she wants to cm over. That cool?'_

  The reply came within the minute.

' _Gud idea. Make sure to b seen with her at least once. Sending you details. Pick her up frm the airport_.'

  Louis skimmed over the flight plan quickly, then opened Eleanor's chat, aware on some level that he was procrastinating thinking.

  ' _We're good to go. Ur flight's Thurs afternoon, after ur classes. Arriving the same night. Stay the long weekend, then leave Mon morn fr ur parents house. K_?'

  He hit send, then frowned when he saw he'd received another message from Andrew.

  ' _Don't forget: the rest of the boys can't know bout u nd Calder_.'

  Louis swallowed back his frustration. When he and Eleanor had agreed to stay just friends _(with benefits, though he hated that label_ ), Management had forbidden him to tell the band, wanting them to believe the same thing they told the fans. He'd agreed, but only after negotiating a deal that, in return for his silence, none of the other boys would be forced into fake relationships, or beards, in Harry's case, for more than eight months. Zayn and Perrie had been the only exception, but Perrie was a nice girl and they all got along with her bandmates as well, all of whom were very understanding. Louis and Jade had hit it off especially well.

  So, all four of them thought he and Eleanor were dating for real. He toyed with the idea of a sending a sarcastic reply, but was saved by Eleanor's message.

  ' _Perfect. Only two days to go. Hold on fr that long, love. B there soon. Jst hold on.'_

  _Just hold on_. Yeah, Louis could do that. Taking in a breath, he washed his face and walked back down to the studio. "Eleanor will be joining us this week," he announced, almost as soon as he entered.

  Immediately, all four of them stopped everything to stare at him.

  "Why?" Harry asked, carefully keeping his annoyance at bay. Louis had been expecting this. For some reason, all four of them hated Eleanor with a passion.

  He'd tried to find out why, but the only answer he'd ever gotten was from Niall: "There's nothing specifically wrong with her, I just don't like her. And you could do a hell of a lot better than her. She's not nearly good enough for you."

  He'd been tempted to argue, but held back. As long they were civil towards her, he could deal.

  "Because, she's got a break coming up in two days," Louis explained. "And I haven't seen her in ages. I miss her." He noticed the way Harry's fingers tightened around his pencil in an effort to keep quiet. "Be polite, or I'll never let any of you win at FIFA again."

  It worked. Short, indignant sounds came from Niall and Liam, while the other two laughed. Louis smiled too, enjoying their laughter echoing around him. But as he noticed the way Harry's hand was absently curled around Niall's thigh, a little too high up to be innocent, he felt his smile turn a bit fake.

  Ignoring the hot pile of emotions in his chest, which he had yet to sort out, he rejoined Zayn on their song. "I got the first lines down, I think," Zayn informed him. "Look it over once." Louis pulled the notebook towards him and read the words Zayn had scrawled. It was a love song, about long lasting feelings and Zayn had written a part about false starts at the very beginning of every relationships.

  Steeling himself for what he was about to do next, he picked up the pencil and started writing in his neat cursive: ' _I have loved you since we were eighteen.'_


	6. Would You Catch Me (When I Fall)?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis reminisces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like chapter 2, only it's Louis remembering how he took to each of the other boys

  If you were to ask Louis, he would tell you that Harry and Niall had been the hardest to fall for, maybe because they were the youngest and he felt responsible for them. But, they'd also been the first ones.

**-Flashback-**

_"No."_

_The whimper would have escaped his notice if Niall hadn't been pressed to his back. As it was, Louis could do nothing but reach back to grip Niall's waist awkwardly. Niall reacted by grabbing hold of Louis' shoulders and he somehow led them after the bodyguards, trying to smile for the cameras, the throngs of fans crowding in, screaming, vying for their attention._

_Finally, they reached the hotel. Niall didn't wait for the elevator. His face paler than usual, he dashed up the stairs and they abandoned the lobby to follow, while the rest of the X-Factor top ten stared after them in confusion. In a few minutes, they were in their room, Niall huddled on himself on the bed, the others gathered around him. He was shaking and when Liam tried to put a hand on his shoulder, he flinched._

_"Niall," Louis called softly. The blond didn't look up, but he jerked his head awkwardly in response. Louis looked at the others. "Go to my room and wait there," he said. Zayn began to protest, but Louis discreetly gestured towards Harry, who was staring at Niall with concerned fright. "Go," he repeated. "I'll sleep with Niall tonight. And somebody inform the other guys, they looked worried."_

_He spoke in his '_ elder brother, no-nonsense _' tone, the one that said, "I'm in charge right now and you should do what I say." Surprisingly, it worked and Liam grabbed Zayn and Harry and took them to the other room._

_As soon as they were gone, Louis climbed on the mattress and imitated Niall's position, sitting just close enough that their clothes brushed against each other. For several long moments, the only sound to be heard was Niall's hitching breath. Then, slowly, his hand came up and he tugged on Louis' sleeve. Louis took the silent invitation and scooted over to sit next to Niall, before bundling him into his arms, where he finally began to stop shaking like a personal earthquake._

_"I can't do this," he begged softly into Louis' T-shirt and Louis rubbed his back in comfort._

_"Yes, you can," he assured him in a firm voice. "Whatever the world sends your way, you're stronger than that; you're smarter than that. You'll do it."_

_"What if you're wrong?" Niall sobbed._

_"Hey," Louis tried to sound indignant. "Watch who you're talking to, mate. When have I ever been wrong?"_

_It worked. Niall chuckled wetly and burrowed further into Louis' side, who arranged them more comfortably. He kept count of Niall's breaths until they evened out and Louis knew he'd fallen asleep._

  _He considered leaving, but before he could move, Harry re-entered the room, eyes wide and sleepy, looking lost and much younger than sixteen. "Haz?" Louis tilted his head in question._

_Harry's gaze moved from the sleeping blond to him. "Liam and Z are asleep," he muttered. "I... I couldn't... I..." Louis bit back a sigh and extended the arm that wasn't holding Niall. Without a word, the youngest climbed in next to him and settled comfortably, his nose pressed against Louis' shoulders. It barely took a few seconds for him to be off like a light._

  _Louis used to sleep with his sisters like this, so it wasn't new for him. What did strike him odd was the amount of trust both boys, especially Niall, seemed to place in him after having known each other for mere months. It sparked something warm in his chest. And it was only too easy to put a name to it._

**-End of Flashback-**

  Zayn, on the other hand, had been easy. Almost too easy.

**-Flashback-**

  Louis blew the smoke from his mouth and sighed. Turning his head, he spotted Zayn staring at him, something intense in his gaze. He had a sketchpad balanced against his thighs, a pencil in hand and a cigarette dangling from his lips.

  "What're'you staring at?" Louis asked. The movement of the bus and the smell of smoke was making him drowsy, but he managed to focus.

  "Shh," Zayn scolded. "Keep looking out the window."

  Rolling his eyes, Louis gazed out the window again, the passing lights of the city entrancing. But from the corner of his eyes, he kept stealing glances at Zayn. There was something hypnotizing about it, watching his gold-brown eyes darting everywhere, a little frown on his face, his pencil constantly moving. Louis had always known that Zayn was attractive, but right now, he looked beautiful and Louis wondered how Zayn saw him.

  He got his answer in a few minutes.

  Zayn gave a satisfied hum, prompting Louis to turn again, and handed him the sketchpad.

  A stifled gasp could see heard as Louis stared at the pencil sketch of his own profile. Zayn had drawn him as he was, sitting on the floor, a cigarette in his hand and smoke curling from his mouth, his gaze focused on the passing scenery outside the windows of Bus 1. The likeness was amazing, but at the same time... Louis couldn't believe that's what he looked like. So... _Ethereal_.

  Confident and outspoken though he was, Louis was acutely aware of his shortcomings, painfully so when compared to his band mates. This... This couldn't be right.

  "Goodnight, Lou." Zayn had crawled over to him while he'd been marveling at the drawing and pressed a sweet, long kiss to Louis' cheek, before pulling him up on the bed. Louis let Zayn curl his arm around his waist and did the same, the picture carefully placed under the pillow.

**-End of Flashback-**

  Liam, on the other hand... Well, Louis didn't like thinking about that incident, apart from a few precious details.

**-Flashback-**

  Louis stared ahead blankly, trying to recall the bitter taste of the scotch, before yelling at the bartender for another. The man looked at him in sympathy, but didn't say anything as he handed him a filled glass.

  But before he could take a sip, there was a large, warm hand on his back and a familiar voice, "I think that's enough, Lou."

  Scowling, he turned to give his interfering band mate a piece of his mind, but stopped when he saw Liam's kicked puppy expression. He wanted to slap himself. Liam wasn't allowed to look that sad, nobody was allowed to look that sad. And it was Louis' fault. He brought that expression on his face.

  "Liam," he whined, bringing a hand up to cup his jaw. "She's having twins," he blurted. _Shit_ , he hadn't meant to say that. But Liam nodded like he'd known and very slowly, hauled Louis up on his feet. Louis let him and before he knew it, he was somehow in his house, his bedroom, with Liam lying next to him on the mattress.

  Louis hiccuped slightly, his brain still trying to comprehend the ongoing events. "She's having twins," he repeated, numb.

  "I know," Liam whispered in the darkness.

  "I won't be there." Louis felt like screaming at himself. He wasn't supposed to be saying any of this. He was supposed to be the strong one.

  "I know."

  There was a large, warm hand cradling his cheek, an arm and a leg wrapped around his waist and calves. And the dam broke.

  Louis began to cry in earnest, hot tears spilling on the pillow. He began babbling: how he wouldn't be there to help his mum, or see the kids grow, how they wouldn't even know him, how he would be a stranger to the youngest two children in the family.

  Liam held him tight through it all, trying to pull him even closer. Finally, drunkenness and exhaustion from crying took their toll and Louis felt himself nodding off.

  "None of that is going to happen, Lou," he heard Liam murmur in his ear. "You're going to be an amazing big brother, just like you've always been. They're going to love you from the start, just like we did." There was a short hesitation, then, "Just like I've loved you from the start."

  Louis smiled sleepily at that, recalling the days at the start when they were always at each other's throats. "I love you, too, Liam," he replied. ' _You just don't know how much,_ ' he added silently.

**-End of Flashback-**


	7. The Familiarity Of Your Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleanor arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter.

  Eleanor liked to believe she was above clichés and fairytale notions of love, romantic or otherwise. But, even so, she couldn't stop her growing smile as she caught sight of Louis outside the airport, on his knees and chatting with a little girl, whose father was standing nearby, watching the interaction carefully. He seemed to sense her gaze and looked up, smiling as blue met brown.

  "Eleanor," he greeted, voice smooth and soft, even in its natural raspy tenor. Eleanor hugged him tight, taking in the scent of honey under that of expensive cologne, the scent that had come to define ' _home_ ' for her, before letting him lead her into the car, taking her bags and throwing them in the backseat. She was exhausted, she realized, having rushed from her classes straight to the airport.

  But, no way was she missing a single moment of this weekend. It had been too long since she'd seen Louis, and he needed her now.

  "How've you been, love?" He asked and she rolled her eyes.

  "I'm not the one who needs to answer that," she told him. "But I'm great, thanks. Classes are a bitch, but what else is new there?"

  Louis laughed and Eleanor congratulated herself. "That's good to hear. I'm fine, too, I guess."

  She frowned at that. "Lou..." She sighed, but he cut her off.

  "I don't want to talk about it, El," he pleaded. "Not now, at least. You're tired and I'm coming from a shitty meeting with Modest! We'll talk tomorrow. I've got a shoot in the morning without the other boys, but I'm all yours in the evening," he promised.

  She gauged him for a minute, then pulled her legs up and turned sideways to face him. "Fine," she relented. "Tell me other things, then. Just keep talking until I fall asleep, then you can carry me up to the bed," she instructed, enjoying the fond smile that made its appearance on his lips. "I'm too tired to do anything but pass out."

  Louis laughed again, a bright sound, then started telling her about the songs they were working on, the music video he had to shoot the next day, his sisters, Lottie's new boyfriend. And Eleanor watched. She watched the cracks in his relaxed mask, the worry lines that randomly appeared before he smoothed them out again.

  And she heard the slight hitch in his breath as Niall's name slipped from his mouth. If that was the only mention of any of his band mates, neither of them said anything. Instead, Eleanor grabbed his hand and squeezed tight.

  Louis' soothing voice and the hum of the engine lulled her tired body to a state of semi-consciousness. She didn't know when they stopped, but she was aware of Louis' arms holding her in a familiar grip, effortlessly carrying her bridal-style to the front door.

  She heard a jumble of quiet voices, only Louis' words standing out: "Harry, keys are in the ignition, get her bags, would you? Put them in the guest bedroom, I'll take her there."

  Then she felt the lurching gait as he walked up the stairs and gently placed her on the bed. "Thanks, Haz, just close the door on your way out, please."

  The next thing she knew, gentle, guitar-calloused hands were swiftly undressing her, deftly manoeuvreing her out of her jeans and blouse, before replacing them with soft pajamas and a loose fitting T-shirt that she knew instinctively was Louis'.

  "You can wash up in the morning, love," she heard him whisper, as he ran fingers through her hair. "Sweet dreams."

  It occurred to her sleep-addled brain that she really wanted Louis to stay next to her, so she woke herself up just enough to mumble, "Stay wimme."

  A short chuckle. "Alright, give me a sec to tell the boys." He disappeared for a few minutes and Eleanor, too far gone to open her eyes, waited until an arm slid around her waist and she immediately cuddled into his chest, gripping his T-shirt. She fell asleep to the small kiss placed at the top of her head, his breath warm against her forehead and his heart beating firmly under her hands.


	8. Comfort In Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleanor confronts four of the boys.

Liam felt himself stiffen as Eleanor walked into the kitchen/dining room with her eyes closed.

  "Lou?" She called.

  "He's not here," Niall answered, bless his heart for attempting a cheerful voice. Eleanor opened her eyes with a frown and sat down at the table.

  "Where is he?"

  "Shooting his part of the next MV." Harry explained the concept of the Night Changes video _(Louis always told her everything anyway)_ as Liam casually slid a plate of breakfast to her, which she accepted gratefully. Liam wondered if she could read the discomfort and animosity radiating from them all, especially Zayn, who hadn't bothered to even acknowledge her presence yet.

  He got his answer a minute later.

  "So, before Louis comes back and we have to pretend to like each other," Eleanor began, pushing her finished plate away. "Let's get this out of the way, this time. Why do you hate me?"

  Everyone in the room gaped at her; next to him, even Zayn looked up from his book.

  "What do you mean?" Harry asked carefully, taking a seat between Liam and Niall. Liam immediately regretted that; the four on them on one side and Eleanor on the other, like they were readying for a fight.

  Eleanor scoffed at Harry. "Please, try not to act like we're friends, especially you, Harry," she snapped. "Because we aren't. You've all had it in for me since Louis and I started going out. Just because Louis doesn't see it; he probably thinks it's mild dislike; doesn't mean I can't. You. Hate. Me. And I want to know why." She leaned back in her seat and fixed each one of them with a glare.

  Liam swallowed, feeling guilty. It wasn't Eleanor's fault she was with Louis, they didn't actually have any legit reason to hate her. But they did.

  "We just," Zayn started slowly. "Don't think you're... Right for Louis."

  Eleanor stared at them for four beats. Then, she laughed and they started. It was a short, mean sound, nothing like the sweet girl they thought they knew. "What, and you think you're right for him?"

  "What do you mean?" Niall asked, his accent harsh in the quickness of his question. Eleanor's gaze fixed on him.

  "From what I've been hearing," she said calmly. "And what I'm seeing right now," her eyes flicked, but it was too quick to determine where she'd looked. "I'd say you're worse for him than I ever could be." She got up abruptly and picked up all their finished plates. "I'll be in my room, if Louis comes back early."

  She began to go upstairs again, but Liam had to ask. "Is it really that obvious that we don't like you?"

  Eleanor turned back slowly. "It's obvious," she answered. "And so is something else." Her eyes drifted carefully along them and, too late, Liam realized that at some point, Zayn had gripped his hand and Harry had one arm each around the back of his and Niall's chairs. His own hand was resting on Harry's thigh.

  And the way Eleanor was looking at them, she knew it. She knew it all. Eleanor turned away again and dread filled Liam.

 

* * *

 

  "Zayn? ZAYN!"

  Zayn started and stared at Louis, who was looking at him in concern. "Mate, you've been ogling my girlfriend for five minutes now. Should I be worried?" He joked, but Zayn could hear the underlying concern.

  "Nah, bro, didn't realize where I was looking. Sorry," he added, tilting his head at Eleanor, who nodded back curtly. Louis shrugged it off and went back to twirling his pencil, and Zayn tried not to sigh in relief.

  He hadn't been ' _ogling_ ' Eleanor; he'd been glaring at her for the hand she had placed on Louis' hip, constantly stroking his skin under the cloth to keep him still. Why was she there anyway? They were _writing_ , for goodness' sake. Or well, just jotting down ideas and random lines that they would arrange together later. They usually ended up with parts of several different songs this way.

  But still, did she have to be present? Couldn't this be one of the areas where Louis was just his? Theirs?

  " _There's a fire in your eyes I can't ignore_..." Louis hummed and Zayn frowned.

  "I think we've had enough of ' _fire_ ' in our songs," he grumbled. "And ' _ignore_ ' sounds too harsh, try ' _deny_ '."

  "How about ' _lightning_ '?" Liam suggested and Louis tried out the line again.

  " _There's a lightning in your eyes I can't deny_... Yeah, sounds better."

  Niall grabbed a pen and scribbled it in, while saying, "So, I was thinking we could do a song about each other, ya know, like we did Don't Forget Where you Belong? We need at least six more songs for this album, anyway."

  "Yeah, but what do we say about each other?" Liam wondered. "It's got to be something new."

  "How about something like..." Everyone waited for Harry to continue; he had a frown like he was trying to put his thoughts into words and Harry always had the best ideas. "Like, life after the band? Like, a scenario where... Like, what if someone left?"

  An uncomfortable look was passed around. Leaving the band was something they never talked about, but was inevitable. They weren't naive teenagers anymore, they knew they couldn't keep doing this forever. Still, it was a rather good idea; it would definitely throw the fans for a loop.

  " _Who's gonna be the first to turn away_?" Liam suggested.

  " _Who's gonna be the last one to wait and stay_?" Louis continued and wrote it down.

  Zayn looked over what they'd written so far:

  " _Running in circles of memories of you and me_."

  " _You're the constant star that guides me home_."

  " _I'm afraid I'll get used to being held prisoner by you._ "

  "Hey, Lou?" Eleanor, who'd been reading the lines as well, straightened a bit. "I'm going upstairs."

  Zayn stiffened a bit and watched as Louis raised a single eyebrow in a silent question. Eleanor stared back with the same expression and they must have missed some form of conversation because Louis suddenly grinned, sharp and shark-like.

  Eleanor rolled her eyes. "Stop making that face, you look like the devil."

  "Devilishly handsome, as I'm sure you mean," Louis answered in a fake, posh London accent. Eleanor giggled. Then, with quick kiss to Louis' cheeks, and an odd glance in their direction, she left the studio.

  Louis waited a few minutes then turned to them. "I suppose you guys are staying down for a while longer?" He questioned. Niall exchanged a look with Liam and shrugged.

  "Few more minutes, yeah. Feel free to leave."

  Something changed in Louis' expression. "Right, sure, I'll leave you boys to it," he replied in a cool way. He bent forward to write something in the notebook, before standing up and following Eleanor, with a ' _night, boys_ ' tossed over his shoulders.

  Harry took a shaky breath. "Is it bad that I feel so angry at Eleanor?" His voice was trembling with either anger or pain. Next to him, Niall had a pinched look on his face and his hands were tightened into fists. Liam met Zayn's gaze and he wasn't surprised to find his own pain echoed in those large brown eyes. One thing was clear. All four of them would be spending the night together this time.

  "Kip in Niall's room?" Zayn suggested. That one was the furthest away from Louis'. Liam nodded and made to stand. Changing his mind, he paused to add something to the book as well. "I'll lock up here," Zayn assured him.

  He nodded and quickly herded the younger boys out. Zayn walked around the room, switching off the lights and making sure all the equipment was turned off. But, before leaving, he picked up the notebook and read over the two obviously different song lyrics at the bottom of the page.

  " _Someday, you're gonna wish you never left me_."

  " _There's a devil in your smile that's chasing me_."

 

* * *

 

  Louis opened the door to his bedroom and smiled at the sight that greeted him. Eleanor was sprawled across the sheets, already in a pair of old shorts and T-shirt, holding his own personal notebook over her head.

  "18 is for them, isn't it?" She asked, having heard him come in. He closed the door behind him and joined her on the bed, nodding. She sat up across him, so their knees were touching and eyed him carefully. "This one too?" She gestured at the notebook. "' _How does it feel when he kisses your lips, would it be the same if it was me_?'"

  " _What about when he keeps his hands on your hips, do you ever wish that that was me_?" Louis finished for her and gently plucked the notebook from her, tossing it on the nightstand. They stayed quiet for a short while.

  "You should tell them that you know what they're doing," she quietly suggested.

  Louis shook his head. "They're going to have sex tonight, I'm sure of it," he confided, thinking back to when he'd asked if they were going to stay longer and Niall had told him that he could leave if he wanted. "It's like... I just want to know why they didn't tell me. More than wanting to be with them, I want the answer to that."

  Eleanor met his gaze then and he could see what she was offering, the same thing he'd offered when her boyfriend had dumped her. And he wanted it. _Needed_ it.

  Cautiously, he trailed his fingertips over the skin of her thigh, feeling the goosebumps that rose from his touch. At the same time, he leaned forward and slowly, painfully slow, nipped at her lower lip, his sharp teeth eliciting a small gasp that he quickly swallowed into the kiss, all the while his hands tracing over her bare legs, then up her hips.

  He pulled back when he reached her waist and tilted his head at her, silently asking for permission, just as he always did. She gave it; he could see she was getting impatient, so was he, but he needed the confirmation and she understood. When she nodded, he closed his eyes briefly. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. Good thing he'd always excelled at compartmentalizing. Pushing all thoughts of his band mates away, he opened his eyes and grinned brightly.

  With a sudden movement that made her breath catch, he pushed her down onto the pillows, tugging away the flimsy cloth on her, letting her do the same to him, his mouth constantly moving over her jaw, her neck, her collar. He kissed, bit and licked over the skin relentlessly, as she tugged down his pants, her breathless gasps echoing deliciously in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the big fall-out...


	9. Don't Stop Me (When I'm Leaving)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some mistakes can't be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Da-dum da-dum da-dum.

  Niall fought the urge to bury his head in his arms and groan. Just a month into their OTRA tour and they were already being told off by Management.

  "Louis, Zayn, Harry, you guys seriously need to get your hair cut," Andrew was saying over the phone. The boys were all seated on the floor of their bus, with Liam's phone on loud speaker in the centre of their little circle.

  "The long hair makes you look a little too punk rock for our tastes and remember, you're supposed to be a pop band."

  Harry simply rolled his eyes, but Zayn scowled and opened his mouth, presumably to say something cutting, but Louis placed a small hand on his shoulder in warning as Harry spoke up: "We'll see about the hair, Andrew. The fans haven't said anything about it and Lou hasn't told us off yet."

  "And you've been way too touchy feely these past few weeks, boys," Andrew continued, after considering Harry's words. "Keep the queer baiting behaviour to a minimum, please."

  Louis stiffened and this time, Liam and Harry glared down at the phone too. "I don't see how we've been any different than we usually are," Louis bit back, and Niall took Louis' hands in his own, wanting to keep him calm.

  "Oh no, you've been fine, actually, Louis," Andrew assured and suddenly, Niall's blood grew cold. He exchanged a nervous glance with Harry, who had a slightly alarmed expression.

  "It's the rest of you boys I'm thinking of," Andrew went on and just like that, Louis' hand was no longer in Niall's.

  "So work on that, tone down the antics. That's it for now. Goodnight, boys." The call ended.

  Niall glanced at Liam, wanting to know what to do in this situation, but Liam was staring at Louis' carefully blank expression with concern.

  "Well, um," Louis met their eyes one by one. "I think I'm gonna go to bed, we're flying again tomorrow." Before the boys could protest, he was up and off to move into Bus 1, which he always shared with Zayn. The four of them exchanged nervous glances.

  "Are we really that obvious?" Liam hissed.

  "I can't believe we didn't realize," muttered Zayn, his eyes darting from their faces to the door and back.

  "Realize what?"

  "We've been having sex with each other for months now, Haz," Niall told him gently. "That level of continued physical intimacy with someone... It starts to show. In really small ways, it shows. I bet the fans have already picked up on it, if fucking Modest! has."

  "And if they have," Liam spoke up. "Then it's not possible that Louis already hasn't."

  "Question is," Zayn started. "Why hasn't he said anything, if he does know?"

 B"Would you?" Niall shot at him. "Would you go and confront your best friends if you suddenly realized they were in love with each other and had conveniently forgotten to tell you about sleeping together?"

  A shocked silence met him and Niall wanted to face-palm. Why were his band mates all emotionally oblivious? Luckily, Harry had his back.

  "Come on," he scoffed, his green eyes wide in disbelief as he looked between Zayn and Liam. "You can't honesty still consider what we do as ' _just sex_ '. Because it stopped being that a very long time ago."

  "But, that... That doesn't... That doesn't make sense," Zayn protested. But there was a note of uncertainty in his voice. "How can four people all be in love with each other? Sex is one thing, but love?"

  "Zayn, mate, it's not that difficult," Harry consoled gently. "We're already best mates, yeah? We've always loved each other. Now we've taken it two steps further. But that's okay. Because it's us."

  "They're right, Z," Liam put in and everyone turned to him. "But we'll celebrate realization day later. Right now, we need to deal with the fact that Louis might know and if he does, what are we going to do about it?"

  "Let's not forget the fans. If Andrew can see it, so can they."

  There was a short silence in which Niall felt like the night was about to bring worse tidings. "Anyone want to check the internet?"

 

* * *

 

_'Was it just me or does Louis seem a little distant frm d other boiz?'_

  ' _Lou seemed distracted tonight, any1 agree_?'

  ' _Y does it seem like Tommo's been avoiding the others? Think they're fighting_?'

  ' _Tension in the band, mayb_?'

  Louis was trying to fight down the bile rising up his throat as he scrolled through various social media sites, curled up in his bunk on Bus 1. The bus felt empty without Zayn's quiet presence, but Louis didn't want to see him right now. He didn't want to see any of them.

  It was stupid, really. He should have known the fans would have picked up on his discomfort before the first leg of the tour was over, all the signs that were starting to show after months of living under half a facade. He knew there was a constant tension in his frame nowadays, a stiffening whenever the boys got too close to him, a pointed ignorance when they were getting too touchy with each other. He should have been more careful, should have been able to hide his hurt.

  But, if he hadn't been acting well enough, how come the others hadn't noticed? At the very least, he would have expected Liam or Zayn to confront him.

  He sighed. No matter, he could get through this tour. Just this one tour, then he'd sort himself out over the break, so when they met up for the fifth album next year, he'd be able to function without feeling like he was dying. Then they'd go on the hiatus they've been talking about. Eighteen months should be enough to get over himself.

  A heavy feeling grew in his chest at the thought. Could he really face another year with them? Another year of living in each other's pockets, of writing and singing all sorts of songs and pretending that at least half of the ones he wrote weren't meant for them?

 

* * *

 

 

  Red-hot anger coursed through him and he stood paralyzed as he read over the sign again and again.

' _ELEANOR IS A BITCH_!'

  He wasn't sure when he moved, but the next thing he knew Zayn was there pushing him back from the edge, his fingers grappling to get a grip on the football jersey he had on. Behind him, Louis was vaguely aware of Niall joking and laughing with the fans, hoping to distract them from the tussle, but mostly he was focused on the fans holding up that sign.

  "Let go of me, Malik," he snarled and Zayn's grip grew tighter, one hand pushing on Louis' chest, the other holding both their mics behind his back.

  "You can't do anything to them," Zayn intoned. "Yes, it's a shitty thing to say or do, but you can't lose your cool, not now. Get a hold on yourself," he scolded, when Louis continued to struggle. "They'll think something's wrong and they're already saying stuff about how you-"

  Louis could see the instant Zayn realized he'd made a mistake. He stilled and locked gazes with Zayn, the hazel eyes wide in alarm and panic as he took in the cold rage suddenly taking over the short brunet's face.

  "We'll talk later," Louis growled, very aware of Liam and Harry watching them carefully, while Niall kept the crowd's attention. Escaping Zayn's hold, he turned back to the audience, a fake, cheerful smile pasted on.

 

* * *

 

  Thankfully, the show was close to an end and in fifteen minutes, they were being hurried out by security. The atmosphere was tense as they all piled into the car.

  Liam knew that Louis could feel his stoic glare, that he was well aware of Zayn's sheepish posture, Niall and Harry's nervous glances. When the car dropped them off at their hotel, he sidestepped Paul and dashed up the stairs. The others followed on his heels. By the time they caught up to him, he was already swiping his key card, having bagged the single room this time. They went in after him.

  That proved to be a mistake.

  No sooner than the door was closed, Louis had spun on his heels and shoved Zayn against the door. It was a very light, carefully calculated push, but he'd been caught off guard and found himself with his back to the hard surface, all of them blinking in shock as Louis glared, tension visible in the lines of his shoulders.

  "Finish what you were saying," he demanded, his voice a furious growl. "Finish it."

  The others looked confused, but didn't dare interrupt as Zayn flushed darkly. "The fans are saying stuff about how you've been avoiding us on stage and during interviews."

  "Right. Now, who's fault is that I wonder?" Louis asked with a sneer. The condescending tone awakened something in Liam.

  "What, you're going to blame us for your non-existent problems?" He demanded.

  "Non-existent?!"

  "There was absolutely no need for you to react like that tonight," Liam said.

  "What they wrote was wrong," Harry chimed in. "But you can't just fly off the handle like that, because some fans insulted your girlfriend. Being who you are, you're not allowed to do that."

  "And you've been ignoring us, not the other way around," Niall pointed out.

  "Because it's so easy to live closely with four people who are sleeping together in ' _secret_ ', isn't it, boys?" Louis laughed, a broken edge to the sound. "Or is it easier being the ones keeping the secret?"

  Zayn felt his eyes grow wide, could see it in his friends' faces.

  "We weren't... We... Loui-"

  "Don't lie to me!" Louis snarled, cutting Niall off, his lips almost white in anger, while his face was flushed red. "You think I didn't know? That you've been fucking each other for almost a year? God, you were so obvious."

  None of them knew what to say and Louis continued. "Well, just because you lot are apparently together now, doesn't mean I'm alone. I've got El to think about and that's it. You four can go on getting each other off, never mind that the fifth member of the band has to put up with the display 24/7-"

  "Well, if it bothers you so much, why don't you just _leave_  then?!

  One could have heard a feather drop in the silence that followed Zayn's enraged outburst. Louis stood stock still, his blue eyes blank and grey. Liam had a horrified expression on his face, Niall had grown even paler, and Harry looked frightened.

  "Lou?" Zayn asked in a delicate whisper. He shouldn't have said that. _Why did he say that_? He didn't want Louis gone, he'd rather cut off his own tongue first. He had to tell Louis that, had to explain... He reached out a hand to touch Louis.

  Like a switch was flipped, Louis jerked away, stepping back. He turned around to rummage in the large closet of the hotel room, while Zayn bit his lips at the stab of pain that shot through him. Louis had never denied him his hand. No matter how tired or angry or frustrated, he'd always answered Zayn's outstretched fingers with his own, twining the two together. But now...

  Louis emerged wearing a jacket over his tee and the one bag he brought with him to the hotel, the rest being in the bus, slung over his shoulder. A sliver of understanding passed through each of them at the sight.

  Niall was the first to move. "Louis, no, plea-"

  "Don't touch me." The three short words were clipped, as cold and unfeeling as his steely gaze and Niall shrunk back. Zayn moved aside as if he was in a trance, and before any of them could say anything, Louis had thrown open the door and marched away, letting it slam shut behind him.


	10. Time To Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, I'm sorry I've been a long time, but I got caught up in my other fic... I'm going to be working on this one for a while now. The next couple of chapters will be a bit small, because I'm still not sure where exactly I'm gonna take this.

  Zayn's words weren't leaving his ears. He could still the hear the deep voice yelling at him, telling him to leave. Maybe Zayn hadn't truly meant it, but the words had served their purpose. Louis. Couldn't. _Stay_.

  The boys were in a position where having an outside presence in close quarters would result in one or both parties uncomfortable and awkward. And there was the twist: somehow, in this group of people who had defined themselves as their own home, Louis had become the outsider. He was the unwelcome candidate, the intruder in their little world that they had created over four years ago. And it hurt.

  So, as Louis lay despondently in his bunk in bus 1, he came to a decision.

  Taking out his phone, he opened the chat labelled ' _Uncle Si'_ and typed:

  ' _Meeting tomorrow, plz. You, Modest!, Syco, Columbia and me, not the other boys.'_

  A reply came after a few minutes:

  ' _Sure, I'll set one up. Something wrong_?'

  Louis didn't hesitate before typing:

  ' _I want out_.'

 

* * *

 

  Simon couldn't believe his eyes when he'd read the text from Louis last night. For a brief moment, he'd been worried and concerned that something had gone wrong with the boys. But that couldn't be true, right? He'd met them just before they'd left for the tour and they'd seemed fine. Sure Louis had seemed a bit distracted, but he'd brushed it off as pre-tour jitters. But that _text_... He'd passed it off as a joke.

  Right now, though as he watched the proceedings, he knew that had been wishful thinking. Louis was dead serious about leaving the band and there was nothing he could do to change his mind.

  Simon felt a sense of pride mingled with his sadness as he watched the way Louis handled the meeting effortlessly, his tone sharp and strict as he lay down the conditions of his leaving. He had agreed to lay low in the music scene for eight months, instead doing some public appearances and grace attendance of various parties and functions, maybe be seen with a few girls other than just Eleanor. In exchange, he'd demanded the rest of the boys be given a bit of leeway on their lives.

  But he'd had an aneurysm when he heard Louis' plan to retire from music.

  "Wait!" He interrupted, as Columbia Records tried to re-hire him. "Let's take a break." In seconds, the room was empty except Louis and Simon. Louis met his eyes, rimmed with dark circles, indicating that he hadn't slept the last two nights. "What are you doing?" He demanded and the younger man shrugged.

  "M' leaving the band, what's it look like?" Away from the prying eyes of fans and management, Louis let his exhaustion show, his accent coming out stronger and his shoulders drooping.

  "Yes, you're leaving the band," Simon acquiesced. "You are also leaving music itself! Why would you want to do that?"

  Louis smiled bitterly. "Come on, Si. I wouldn't last half a year without the other boys. I'll keep writing for other people, but m' not singing."

  Simon sighed heavily. "Louis," he grit out. "The only reason you boys were ever put into a band was because we thought it'd be a good idea. Your own inexperience was just another factor. Now though? You've got five years of vocal training under your belt. You've got a good many awards in your name. Believe it or not, you are- were- a part of One Direction and you've had the same contribution to that success as the other boys. If the entire band were to break up now, you'd _all_ have equal chances of making it big. As it is, you're getting a head start."

  For a long while, Louis didn't say anything. He was stubborn, but he was also reasonable and Simon knew he wouldn't have to say anymore. Sure enough, Louis suddenly leaned back in his chair and a light returned to his sharp eyes.

  Looking at the glint in the eyes of the boy Simon had grown fond of like a nephew or son, Simon felt equal parts nostalgic and pride. One Direction might have been his musical brainchild, but Louis Tomlinson was his best protégé in every other sense.

 

* * *

 

  The concert was subdued, for the boys at least. They kept the energy levels up, jumped around on top of each other as they sang. But Liam, Zayn, Niall and Harry could all see a change in Louis. He was no longer tense and angry, since he'd disappeared a day ago to meet with Simon for some unknown reason. His shoulders were loose, his body language relaxed and his voice pure silver as he sang the opening lines of Right Now.

  But there was no way to ignore how he kept well out of their ways, consciously avoiding getting too close to them. It hurt tremendously, but the only thing they could do was hope that he would at least deign to talk to them at the end of the night. There was no way to know what he was thinking; they had barely had time to speak a word over the last two days, between flights and rehearsals.

  Weirdly, a heavy weight settled in their chests as the concert grew to a close. They came together for their post-performance embrace and Harry could feel goosebumps on his arms where Louis' sweat-drenched skin was pressing into his. The contact was lost far too soon and there was a moment of pitch darkness as the boys hurried backstage through middle memory.

  They were ushered outside, where there weren't any lights either. The night was cool as they were driven to the hotel. Usually, adrenaline would keep them chattering among themselves, but there was utter silence now. They filed into the hotel, the same way.

  Niall sneaked a glance at the shortest one among them. He thought if he could just talk to Louis, they might be able to start fixing it. But Louis was proficient at dodging them and Niall didn't know what to say. Not to mention, he couldn't quite work up the courage to look Louis in the eye, let alone confess everything.

 VIt wasn't until they reached their floor that the silence broke. Liam's phone began to ring just as Louis, Zayn and Harry began to open the doors to their rooms.

  "It's Modest!" Liam said quietly, gesturing to Zayn and Harry into the room he and Niall were sharing. Louis ignore them and stepped into his single room, shutting the door without a backward glance. With a sad sigh, Liam herded the boys in and answered the phone. "Hey Andrew, Louis' already turned in for the night, so it's just the four of us here right now," he started, turning the loudspeaker on.

  "That's alright," the familiar voice assured. "Louis already knows. We're having a meeting tomorrow night after your concert, before you take off for the week."

  "What about?" Harry asked.

  There was a short pause and that in itself was telling; Andrew had never hesitated or minced his words with them. They hated Management, bit they respected the honesty.

  "Louis' left the band," Andrew finally said. "He's probably tweeting it right now. Tomorrow's his last concert."

 

* * *

 

  They sat around the table in a daze, watching and rewatching the video playing: Louis thanking the fans, his voice soft and sad, but sure, carrying effortlessly over the near-silent stadium as he announced his decision to leave as final.

  " _I know this is coming as a disappointment to so many of you,_ " he said. " _And I wish I'd had the sense to see it through in a better way. But I can't change it and I don't want to. My time in One Direction has been the best time of my life. I've made four amazing friends, who I know will continue to be absolutely incredible. This isn't the last of One Direction; they're going to still be the biggest and best boy band in the world_."

  The video ended and Andrew began hashing out the terms of their last year under contract, before they took off for hiatus. But Zayn felt breathless. This was his fault. This was _their_ fault. And because of them, Louis was _gone_. He'd hugged them all at the end of the concert, but there had been no warmth in his eyes. He'd barely said a word to any of them, beyond a quiet acknowledgement on stage. Then he'd taken off, sleeping in the bus. His excuse to Paul had been: "It's my last night, Paul. Just let me go." He needn't have begged. Paul had let him go without a word, stoic as always, but with lingering sadness in his eyes.

  "Zayn?"

The cautious sound of his name had him looking up to see everyone staring at him in concern. He didn't bother apologizing. Liam would summarize the meeting for them later. Instead, trying to keep his voice even, he turned to Simon, who was watching him with something close to pity.

  "Is there any way to convince him?" He asked, his words cracking. He knew that he was the first person Louis would have talked to after making his decision. "If we talk to him, apologize for... For what we did, would he come back?"

  Simon had never believed in softening a blow. Without flinching, he met Zayn's eyes, and answered with a delicate, but resolute "No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: OT5 will not happen...


	11. When All Is Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more a filler chapter than anything. Sorry for the short length.

  It was the last night of the OTRA tour. Louis was relatively sure that it was bad idea to be here. But then, he had a penchant for going ahead with really bad ideas. Liam usually steered him away from the more dangerous ones, or accompanied him and egged him on silently.

  But Liam wasn't here right now. Liam was on stage with Zayn, Niall and Harry, singing his heart out to the audience, not knowing that Louis was there as well.

  The energy of the concert was infectious. Louis knew, without a doubt, that from stage everything looked like an inverted night sky, with tiny pinpricks of lights from millions of camera phones acting like stars. But this was a whole new experience.

  His throat was raw from screaming with the rest of the fans. He silently thanked Lou and Lottie for having provided him with a wig and makeup, basically turning him into a Tomlinson version of Veronica. No one had recognised him yet and no one would.

  He broke out of his thoughts when the familiar beat of his own lines played. For a split second, he wondered who would take over his part. Then Zayn's clear voice rang through the cheering stadium.

  " _Lights off when they should be on, even the stars in the skies, they're wrong. Short days when the nights are long, when you think of the things I've done. Don't matter how far I'm gone, I'm always free to run home..."_

  " _Don't forget where you belong_ ," Louis sang softly along.

 

* * *

 

  "Louis was here."

  Immediately, all four of them whipped their heads around to look at Paul.

  "He was? Where is he now? Why didn't you tell us?"

  Zayn placed a hand on Niall's shoulder to calm down his frantic questions. But he waited for Paul to answer too.

  The burly man sighed. "I didn't know till he came up to me right as you boys were coming off stage. He asked me to give this to you."

  Harry took the blue manila folder from Paul and opened it to see sheets of paper filled with lyrics. A note slipped out and Harry swallowed when he recognised Louis' elegant writing. " _These are the songs I'd started writing for the fifth album. I've only kept two with me, but these ones you can decide what to do with. But if you do decide to use them, please don't put my name in the credits. Best of luck, boys." -_ Louis

  The note was highly impersonal and it only drove home the fact that Louis was washing his hands off them completely. He was trying to forget them, Harry realized.

 

* * *

 

 

  The lights in the house were dark. But Louis knew his mother would be waiting up for him. Still, he didn't go in just yet. He stayed inside the car, drumming his fingers on the wheel.

  Maybe attending the concert had been a good idea after all. He felt much lighter than he had in months. There was still a large part of him that was hurt and angry, that wanted to grab each of the boys and scream and beg for answers.

  But he wasn't stupid. He'd broken the ties, he could deal with the aftermath. It'd be weird to attend all the interviews and shows by himself, but he could deal. He had to. As for music... Well, maybe he'd never be as good as One Direction, or on par with either of his - _former_ -band mates. But Simon was right. He was good enough to survive.

  And he would. But right now, he was just tired. Not just physically, either. Saying goodbye to the fans, to Paul, Caroline, Dan and the rest of the guys, to Lou and Lux had been emotionally draining. Trying to avoid the boys, because he was afraid that if they tried to stop him, he'd listen, was even more exhausting. He was just... _Tired_.

  His phone chimed with a text. ' _Are you coming in anytime soon?'_

  Louis smiled. Of course, his mom knew he'd been waiting outside. Not bothering to type in a reply, he got out of the car and walked towards the front door.


	12. Broken Ties

  "I still don't get why we're writing a song about being weird," Leigh mused, fingering the guitar. "Like, we should be proud to be different, but isn't this one a bit much?"

  "Oh shut up, you, it's fun," Jesy laughed, sticking out her tongue at her frizzy-haired band mate, who returned the gesture along with her middle finger. Well, they never claimed to be mature.

  "Very nice, you three get to work on the fun lyrics and I'm stuck writing the ballad," Jade mumbled, making Perrie wink at her.

  "Well, no one said you had to write it yourself," Leigh reminded her. "That one was supposed to be a collab, remember?"

  "Yeah, but with who though?"

  "I did suggest doing it with 1D," Perrie pointed out.

  "Yeah, but... You know... They just lost a member," Jesy frowned. "You really think they'll be feeling up to a collab now? Don't you think they'll be busy writing their fifth album?"

  "Besides, Louis was kinda their best lyricist," Leigh agreed.

  "I thought that was Liam?"

  "No, Liam is more of a melody man," Jade said. "Louis was the writer."

  "You would know," Jesy teased, making Jade blush at the reminder of her crush.

  "Back to the topic," she muttered. "Do we contact the boys?" She had her phone out already, fingertips hovering over Liam's phone number.

  "Or..."

  "What?" They all turned to Perrie, who had a thoughtful look on her face.

  "Why not work with Louis?" She suggested. Everybody paused and Perrie felt the need to defend her words. "I mean we just said he was their best writer. And he's a fun guy, it'd be great."

  "Yeah, but is he up to working right now?" Jesy wondered. "It can't be easy going from a quintet to solo act."

  "Is he even working in music anymore? There hasn't been a single peep from him in the news since the last interview."

  "He did say he is."

  "Still..."

  "It's only been six months guys, why not give him a few more? We've still got half a year before we start recording, anyways."

 

* * *

 

  The ocean was beautiful at night, Louis decided. He was reclined in the sea-facing balcony of the vacation house he'd rented out for the month, with a cigarette in his left hand and his mouth set in a contemplative frown.

  Everything felt off-kilter. The world seemed too still, too quiet, too soft. Louis was used to movement and noise and bright lights. The silence was making him... Homesick. He was tempted to go back home but stubbornness kept him in his place. After all, he'd come here to get away from the constant chaos. And truth be told, the change was sort of nice. Calming.

  It reminded him a bit of that time he'd gone camping with the boys during- _nope_. Not thinking about _them_. Not at _all_. Otherwise, he'd want to call them. Speaking of which, none of _them_ had called _him_ up yet. He would have bet that Harry, at least, would have left several messages and voicemails. But no, not a single peep in six months.

  Intellectually he knew it was probably because they had to start working on the fifth album and Liam had probably ordered them to give him time and space, hoping that Louis would call them himself when he was ready.

  Joke's on them; Louis never wanted to see any of them again.

  That wasn't entirely true.

  Louis sighed and closed his eyes, letting the cool breeze from the ocean kiss his face. He missed them. Missed them like a cut-off limb. And not just them. He missed the tour bus, Paul's firm presence, Lou's cheery tone and the way Lux always brightened up around him.

  Another sigh. Thank God the ' _probation period_ ' was almost at an end. Two months to go and then he'd be able to get back to work. He still wasn't one hundred percent confident how well he'd be able to do without four better singers taking the brunt of the focus, but he did trust Simon's judgement. No point in not giving it a shot. If it didn't work out, there was always football to fall back on. Or he could just continue writing for other artists. Or he could try his hand at acting.

  Options, options.

  Well, you couldn't make bricks without clay.

  With a small burst of wistfulness, Louis stubbed out the cigarette and picked up the guitar he'd set down a while ago. Forgoing the pick and just plucking at the strings with his bare fingers, he considered simply letting muscle memory take over. Then, random notes filled the air and the hint of a melody took birth in his head.

 

* * *

 

  "It's a bit weird, because I remember when I auditioned, I'd been hoping to get put in a band. I wasn't sure I could make it myself, yeah? But then, at the end, I felt like, like if I didn't get out soon, I was gonna drive meself mad. And I had to do it right then, otherwise I'd chicken out and then regret it for the rest of my life."

  "So, how did it feel, once it was all final?"

  "Truth be told, I actually started freaking out. It felt so lonely all of a sudden, 'cause like, I'd been surrounded by the same people for going on five years and then it was just me. Definitely got a bit scary then. First thing, I'm doing after we're done here is go back to me mum in Donny."

  Harry wasn't sure why he was torturing himself. He was supposed to be writing the bridge for Perfect, but instead he was rewatching Louis' last interview before he went on his holiday. It had taken place only a month or so after he left the band, when all the paperwork had been completed, all the ties broken.

  Had they really hurt him that much? Harry had loved Louis for so long, they all had, that it was hard for him fathom that it was their fault Louis was gone. If someone had told him a year ago that he would be one of the reasons for Louis leaving, for giving up on them, he would have laughed. And yet, it was what had happened. Maybe it was true: you hurt the ones you love the most.

  He knew Zayn was beating himself up more than them. After all, he'd been the one to deliver the words that had broken Louis in the end. A part of Harry wished he could blame Zayn. It would be easier than blaming himself. But the larger part of him that loved each of the boys knew the truth: they'd set themselves on this path the first night they'd slept together, when they'd used each other to forget the pain.

  This was their fault. And Harry hated that fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little thing for everyone to consider: should Louis be paired with Jade Thirlwall, or an OC??? Whichever one it is, it won't really be the forefront of the story. Personally, I'm thinking Jade, but I want to know what you guys think. I just don't want it to be OT5...

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr: bad-days-and-beautiful-nights


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